Many people wondered what the Grand Old Party Elephant would do once Obama and the other Donkeys held on to the White House. No worries… with a modicum of personal responsibility, a smidge of small business savvy, and an abundance of hot air, the elephant has already found rewarding employment.
Fake Maine Half-Marathon Results
Some of you may remember the unfortunate 2011 Trails to Ale race where Andy finished a disappointing second in the Hatem, Teter, Moore grudge match. Good news, readers, as Andy made a couple of adjustments* and finished in first place in this year’s running of the Maine Half-Marathon.
Asked for comment, Matt replied, “I’m pretty certain that Andy violated the spirit of competition by not telling me about the race, but I probably couldn’t have found the starting line in time anyway; hopefully Apple will have ironed out its iPhone maps by next year.”
Christian added, “I’m tired of this. Everyone knows that Andy has a serious competitive edge over me in distances less than 50 kilometers. I’m not fast, but I can go super slowly a lot longer than Andy can go moderately slowly. Super slow wins the race, friends, and I am the king of super slow.”
Christian’s wife lamented, “Andy brought Roctane, but he wouldn’t share any with me… and he has longer legs. Besides, I wasn’t really racing and I’m probably pregnant.”
*Adjustments included not inviting Matt and running against Christian’s wife who has incredibly short legs even for a “little person.”
2011 Trails to Ale Results
Some race notes:
- Christian and Andy drank frosty drafts at the Great Lost Bear the night before the race, so technically they ran the “Ales to Trails to Ale” race.
- Andy was the only one of the three runners to spend time in first place, second place, and last place. Unfortunately, the only time he spent in first place was somewhere between the start of the race and the first half mile marker.
- Everyone’s legs hurt a little less after witnessing the “had to be drunk girl” fail (and fall!) in her ill-conceived attempt to scale the 3 foot iron fence at the Sabego Biergarten. Commenter: “The drunk girl ran the ‘Trail to Ale to Epic 3ft Fence Scale Fail’ race.”*
- Matt wore actual “trail shoes” because he thought it was an actual “trail run,” which apparently it is not… at all. It should really be called the “Sidewalk to Ale” run. Hopefully he has really bad blisters now.
- There are no longer two fat cats at the Two Fat Cats Bakery in Portland.
- Portland has some of the friendliest 10K race porta-potty line mice anywhere.
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*Added from anonymous comments.
Portsmouth Jingle Bell Run Results
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- Only official sub-40 minute performance recorded by combatants.
- Celebration was held at brewery in Portsmouth.