Because animated gifs are the Web’s haiku:
Date: Sun, 14 Dec 2012 15:37:36 -0500
From: Jackson Moore <email@example.com>
Subject: Whistleblower Protection
Sorry to email at what must be a particularly busy time of year for you and the tiny northern Foxconn elves, but I feel the need to bring certain developments to your attention in order to clear up some understandable misconceptions surrounding any reports of my “bad” behavior this year.
- Frankly, I fear that Chippy the Snitching Elf is a less than reliable witness. I’ve tried to reason with him on several occasions (most recently when I saw him watching me as I chewed on the Roku remote), but he simply stares back at me with agate, expressionless eyes. Not only is his behavior unnerving, but I fear he may very well suffer from a mood and/or personality disorder. Furthermore, it’s my understanding that he is supposed to move around our house nightly to gain different vantage points, so I imagine you’d be interested to know of his decision to take up a semi-permanent residence in our liquor cabinet. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn’t moved from the gin bottles and cocktail shakers except for the day he spent lying motionless on the floor beneath them. This is a shame, since I am very well behaved while sleeping, and he never bothers to visit my room upstairs.
- Before any formal evaluation of my behavior takes place, I must protest that I suffer gravely from my family’s apparent “girl child bias.” More than one member of the family has frankly stated a preference for girls, and this rampant sexism can’t help but color opinions of me. What might be considered a minor offense when committed by my preferred sister, Abigail, often becomes an inflated crime when my participation is alleged. Until recently, I thought my legal name was, “Dammit Jackson What Now.” My own father also continually uses my name interchangeably with the dog’s, seemingly unable to determine which of us is responsible for upsetting him.* Surely you should take these mitigating circumstances into consideration when checking your list the second time.
- Because of the diminutive size of our Xmas tree, I fear that not all of your expected presents will fit beneath it. If it’s easier for you, I welcome you to place all the gifts for my family in my crib on the 25th, as there is ample room. I will sort them and see that all presents make it to their intended parties!
* For the record, Hogan is undeniably naughty and probably deserves nothing, but please do not penalize me by erroneous association with the counter surfing Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Now that a year has passed since Jackson moved in with us, differences between Jackson and Abigail are becoming apparent even to the casual observer.
- Whereas Abigail tends to build things (or mandate that her parents construct things for her), Jackson tends to knock things down.
- Whereas Abigail sees little use for food or drink, Jackson views every food group as its own brand of weapons-grade projectile.
- Once Abigail is asleep, she’s almost certain to stay asleep for at least a couple of hours. Jackson, on the other hand, has almost entirely eliminated daytime napping altogether and I fear he’s actively working on cutting back on his night-time sleeping hours as well.
- Whereas Abigail now agrees to wear a presentable ponytail, Jackson has grown an angry, blonde mullet instead.
- Whereas Abigail reminds you if you forget to brush her teeth, Jackson celebrates the arrival of each new tooth by crawling up to reclining adults and biting them in the spleen.
- Whereas Abigail occasionally whines at us, Jackson perpetually drives us to wine… or vodka… or hydrogen peroxide.
- Abigail takes relaxing baths in water; Jackson takes the water from baths and deposits it throughout the bathroom with the frightening efficiency of a baby hurricane.
- You can turn your back on Abby for a moment without serious injury; Jackson sees all human backs as signs of weakness and challenge.
- Our babysitter can put Abby to bed. Our babysitter dares not come over until Jackson is already locked away in his crib.
All in all, if given a choice this holiday shopping season, I suggest purchasing the 4-year-old girl over the 1-year-old boy.
Obama, Warren, and Tierney may have won, but the Jets, Mets, and Knickerbockers won’t be winning anything of note anytime soon. The status quo really does have its good points!
Overwhelmed (and a little frightened) by the sheer volume of phone calls between Emily, Lindsey, and Nancy, Verizon has announced that the unlimited friends and family plan will be discontinued for this particular family. In its place, LTE engineers have proposed an instantly-gratifying digital thought ticker to help Rooks women stay connected.
- Miss you so much!
- Let me tell you what’s going on.
- What’s up?
- I just had breakfast.
- I owe you 74 dollars.
- You paid for lunch.
- Oh yeah!?
- How do you cook a frittata?
- Daddy’s got golf. What are you doing for dinner?
- Come for dinner. Joanie’s got beer. Tell Andy!
- I’m going to Market Basket.
- Do you want to take my haircut appointment?
- Andy’s only faster because his legs are longer.
- Do you want to take my teeth cleaning appointment?
- Max threw food at Porter. Porter didn’t mind, though.
- Ok… let me call you back!
- We like the Shark Tank… it’s shark week.
- Did you see The Bachelorette?
- Abby loves to put on dresses and do ballet.
- Wow. Ok… let me call you back, Lindsey.
- No way!
- Ohhh… ok. Wait! What did Mom say?
- Let me go. I’m in the car with Andy.
- I just had lunch.
- What are you doing?
- Really? I’d just feed him bananas.
- Ok. Ok. Let’s talk in 5 minutes.
- Lindsey, let me go.
- Mom’s calling in 5 minutes. I just talked to her.
- Let’s meet in Ogunquit.
- Let’s have a conference call. I love 3-way calling!
- Then I said… and she said… so I said. It was so annoying.
- Oooh! I’m so mad!
- Dinner is off. I got a better offer.
- Don’t buy a Nook. That would be dumb.
- They don’t make Hogan’s food any more. So mad.
- I want my sweater back. Bring it with you.
- We just bought diapers at Target.
- Can you watch my kids?
- I need new sneakers.
- I need a new bag for work. I can’t find one.
- We should go to lunch with Kate.
- Good idea. We can dump all our old clothes on her!
- Who’s Kate?
- Matt’s wife, Mom.
- Oh, I like her. She’s so cute. Isn’t that Christian’s friend?
- We should go back to Portsmouth.
- What’s the good pizza place called?
- Andy needs running goo. What flavors are good?
- These don’t end, do they?
- I don’t know. I don’t think so.
- We went to the movies.
- I need to exercise.
- I’m hungry.
- I’m cold.
- I have foot fungus.
- I like Pirate’s Booty.