Kenny Rallies, Secures Week #12 First Place Loser Ribbon!

Kenny easily overmatched a coin flip!

In a shocking turn of events, Kenny came back to lose by the slimmest of margins in this week’s NFL Smackdown! Always the gentleman, Kenny tried to decline the honor and to claim a tie with Emily, but that selfless move just makes Kenny all the more worthy of the First Place Loser Ribbon!

Curtis “coin-flip” James took the news in stride. “You know. Occasionally I get a game or two up, but I just seem to even out by the end. I’ll never forget the 13 game week when I got 6.5 games correct and 6.5 games incorrect. I just can’t seem to get ahead! I feel happy for Kenny, though. He deserves it! He’s been right there not winning by the tiniest of margins all season!”

Kenny outwitted a well-trained, game-picking gamecock... for second place!

Revere Red was visibly upset after the conclusion of Monday Night Football.

“F’n Arizona posers! Where’s the bird support, my fowl peeps!? All I needed was one game and I could have won First Place Loser, but will a cardinal ever help a brother out!? No! They went out there and done crapped all over my car!

I’d go back to cock fighting in Tijuana this second if ¬†Michael Vick hadn’t turned everyone on to pitbulls instead of roosters. Damn you, Michael Vick! And damn you, Kenny!”

Andy's lackluster overall record belies his healthy and accumulating yearly winnings!

An almost perpetual cellar-dweller in the standings this year (save for his miraculous double tie breaker half pot victory a few weeks ago), Andy offered Kenny some sage advice.

“Consistency is a quiet killer. Doing well in the cumulative is for suckers, man. You gotta hang out on the bottom like a Bayou catfish and then strike like a piranha… at least a solitary piranha that’s still really angry and vicious… maybe more like a freshwater pike… I’m not quite settled on a species of fish… in any event, though, being almost great for a long time will never beat true weekly greatness! I was the greatest! I’ll be the greatest again! High highs spring forth from low lows; all else is but a flavor of mediocrity… like vanilla! Vanilla’s bad, Kenny! Aspire to be Coffee Heath Bar Crunch!”

Oh boy!

Lastly, Barney the friendly purple dinosaur chimed in, “I love you, Kenny. I love almost everyone due to my curiously infectious theme song and well-written work-release settlement. I love kittens AND puppies roughly equally! I do not, however, love your chances of ever winning an NFL Smackdown week; I don’t love your chances at all! Let’s go play with crayons, kids!”

The full-proof Abigail System Revealed!

Forget tea leaves or pig entrails!
Forget tea leaves or psychics!

My mother and father currently have barely 50% of their football picks correct so far this NFL season. That’s not impressive. My grandmother is under .500 for her picks. That’s even worse!

What these amateurs need is a viable, proven system for handicapping teams, but instead they rely on senseless data like “which team has the better punter,” or “which team plays in a dome,” or “which team’s mascot is more powerful.”

I wouldn’t care, but since they’re foolishly gambling with MY future college funds, I need to get these people back on track pronto. Towards that end, I offer my full-proof method for determining NFL winners.

All you need is a list of match-ups and a supply of cereal. Raise several pieces of cereal above your head, close your eyes, and drop the cereal on the list of teams. Where the cereal ends up accurately determines the victorious team, since cereal naturally gravitates toward winners, milk, and dog mouths. As you can see from the example pictured, the Patriots are looking like a lock to beat the Jets and to cover the spread.

Note: don’t conduct your experiment near milk or dog mouths or you may end up with spurious data!

I happen to favor stale Cheerios for my picks, but you can also use Capn Crunch. I do not suggest using oatmeal, simply because it tends to splatter, to obscure the results and to anger the owners of the carpet.

Give my system a try. I think you’ll like the results.

Week #1 NFL Smackdown Update!

Week of the dog!
Week of the dog!

As you can see from the official smackdown standings, week #1 failed to separate brains from luck in the gridiron picking arena. Both Emily and Andy finished the week at (8w – 8l), while Nancy finished at (7w – 9l), so no clear trend has emerged.

Interesting notes from week #1:

There were 15 possible underdog/favorite picks (underdogs GET points while favorites GIVE points).  The Carolina Panthers versus Philadelphia Eagles game was straight up (no points either way) in our pool.

For these possible 15 favorite/underdog matchups:

  • Emily took ALL 15 possible favorites!
  • Nancy took 7 favorites and 8 dogs.
  • Andy took 9 favorites and 6 dogs.
  • For the week, favorites went (7w – 9l) with Philly winning the straight up matchup, so the underdogs won week #1.
  • Nancy took the most dogs and should have had an advantage from doing so, but alas, she chose the wrong puppies at times which left her one game off the pace.