Abby Answers Fanmail #1

Holler at me! I'll holler back!
Holler at me! I might holler back!

“So, baby girl, you lookin’ chunky! What you weigh now?” — Yolanda LaTeesha

No you did not just ask me about my weight! This is the last time I’m going to answer this question, but for the record I’m 7pounds 10 ounces… 7 pounds 14 ounces when the tall ones are a little slow with my diaper change.

“Will your training combines ever be open to the public? We don’t have enough data to properly handicap your upcoming 5 meter crawl against Max ‘hand man’ Teter.” — Jim Kruger of Sports Book Unlimited

1. My practices will never be open again after the leaked photos that turned up in Little People Big Carpet.

2. All you need to know to handicap this exhibition is that Max “the snail trail” Teter has the same chance Michigan’s football team has of beating anyone better than Cape Cod Community College. I am Abigail “the antelope” Moore! I’m the Big Brown of baby racing; Max is the Shrek Donkey of baby racing. I don’t care if this race has been moved inside to a neutral carpeted site in Marblehead; I’m just as fast on an artificial track. If the “Belly Drag by the Bay” is 5 meters long, I will smoke that chump by at LEAST 4 meters. You can print that, sucker!

“You hit the bottle harder than Jack Kerouac did between novels. Have you ever considered that finding every one of your meals in a bottle might be the harbinger of a future drinking problem? I think you might need help, so call me when you want to get clean.” — Marc F. Kern, M.D.

Nice try, you quack! Next you’ll be telling me that too much binky use leads to heavier things… like thumbs. I’ll give up the bottle, Marc, when you give up your addictions to skinny models, infomercials, Botox, and Rogaine. And stop sending me chain emails!

“Hey, Abby, how’s the potty training coming?” — Dr. Spock Jr.

Bad news, Doctor. Magic Eight Ball diaper says, “crappy forecast.”

Thanks for all the mail, peeps! I’ll answer more as it comes in!