Abby loves stale Cheerios…
So does Hogan…
Oooh so good!
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Tag Archives: Abigail
The full-proof Abigail System Revealed!
Forget tea leaves or psychics!
My mother and father currently have barely 50% of their football picks correct so far this NFL season. That’s not impressive. My grandmother is under .500 for her picks. That’s even worse!
What these amateurs need is a viable, proven system for handicapping teams, but instead they rely on senseless data like “which team has the better punter,” or “which team plays in a dome,” or “which team’s mascot is more powerful.”
I wouldn’t care, but since they’re foolishly gambling with MY future college funds, I need to get these people back on track pronto. Towards that end, I offer my full-proof method for determining NFL winners.
All you need is a list of match-ups and a supply of cereal. Raise several pieces of cereal above your head, close your eyes, and drop the cereal on the list of teams. Where the cereal ends up accurately determines the victorious team, since cereal naturally gravitates toward winners, milk, and dog mouths. As you can see from the example pictured, the Patriots are looking like a lock to beat the Jets and to cover the spread.
Note: don’t conduct your experiment near milk or dog mouths or you may end up with spurious data!
I happen to favor stale Cheerios for my picks, but you can also use Capn Crunch. I do not suggest using oatmeal, simply because it tends to splatter, to obscure the results and to anger the owners of the carpet.
Give my system a try. I think you’ll like the results.
STFD! versus GTFO!? There can be only one!
War-painted Header!
STFD! was incomplete and outplayed this week at Tin Whistle Trivia. We offer no excuses; we do offer an explanation.
Since the Silbergleit Summer Carnival pulled up its tent pegs and hoofed it out of town, we expected fewer/weaker competitors and we handicapped our varsity team accordingly. Our magnanimous, parity-seeking actions (we left both Abigail and Emily off the roster!) were horribly misplaced, as five fully-staffed rival teams ponied up and came to play harder than megashark and giant octopus combined.
We did not know who won the first ever Monday Night Football game, we did not know all of the monthly birthstones, we were not familiar with Jay-Z’s catalog of crap, we did not know Vince Vaughn’s sundry Hollywood aliases, and there were absolutely no questions concerning the wingspan of fowl.
Feel lucky, punk?
Andy also proved to be, in the words of one observer, “pretty damn useless” during crunch time, since the final round was a puzzle variety akin to the brain-wrenching rebus riddles to be found beneath the evil caps of Lucky Lager. This is an area where Andy has never performed above the .08 percentile, and he once again folded before the challenge like a house of cards assembled by a kindergarten class.
A few Tin Whistle Trivia final round puzzle examples:
- 18 H I A R O G
- 200 D F P G I M
- 8 S O A S S
Would-be utensil usurpers?
But perhaps more troubling than our third-place finish was the emergence of a new trivia team named Get The Fork Out!, a team clearly parodying the legendary success of Shut The Front Door! with admirably postmodern, mock homage.
This new team (which finished in forkly fourth… heh heh!) will undoubtedly polarize trivia fans, since it makes sense to either Shut The Front Door! or to Get The Fork Out!, but to do both is unnecessarily redundant.
Next week we will field a complete, well-conditioned, motivated team. We will listen to additional crappy music, we will drink and solve several cases of the Lucky Lager, and we will arrive early to Shut The Front Door! before the fork folks even arrive. We’re curious to see if Get The Fork Out! turn into Lettuce The Fork In! when faced with a blocked entrance.
Abigail Care made easy!
I love to visit my Great Aunts, Great Uncles, Grandparents, close family friends, and kindly strangers, since my parents often abandon me with little or no warning. Many of you may wonder, “isn’t it extremely difficult to care for Abigail?” Nahh… it’s a piece of cake for a baby as easy-going as I am!
What does my daily schedule look like? Here is a VERY rough idea:
- 7:00am – 6 ounce bottle!
- 8:00 or 9:00am – nap… whether I want it or not! I usually scream for 10 minutes, and then sleep for an hour or an hour and a half.
- 9:30ish or when I wake up – solid feeding.
- 11:30ish – 6 ounce bottle!
- 1:00ish – solid feeding.
- 2:30 or 3:30pm – another nap for an hour or so.
- 4:00pm – 6 ounce bottle!
- 6:30 or 7:00pm – my last 6 ounce bottle!
How do you make my bottle? No sweat. Really, don’t put sweat in my bottle. Put six ounces of warm water in a bottle, add three scoops of Enfamil premium formula (level scoops… no packing!), and shake it up!
I hate naps and I will scream when you put me down for one. That’s ok as I’m just developing my lungs. Let me shriek until I nod off (usually 5 to 15 minutes of me swearing at you in baby will tire me out the last little bit and I’ll fall asleep!)
Please change my diapers every couple of hours or when I smell like poo. And don’t take any pictures of me just wearing a diaper, or you will pay a stiff, violent price for your insolence!
Abby and Max take Grandma to the beach!
Nancy really wanted to go to the beach, so Abby and Max made a deal with her. If Grandma would make them bottles, feed them watermelon, cheerios and peaches, pack up a selection of rattling toys, change their traditional diapers to swim diapers and then their swim diapers back to traditional diapers, lacquer them head to toe with sunscreen (including baby back massage), put their hats on, put their hats BACK on when they tore them off, remind them not to eat sand, remind them not to eat wet sand either because wet sand shouldn’t be eaten cuz it’s just regular sand with water in it, put them back in the shade of the blanket when they rolled, lurched or crawled off, and take them for stroller rides down the packed sand at the water’s edge when they got cranky, they would agree to go to the beach for the afternoon. Nancy agreed and was very well-behaved all morning long, so Abby and Max took her down to the ocean’s edge to cool off during the recent heatwave.
Tide's coming in any minute now! Click for larger image!