Monthly Archives: January 2009

Symbiosis

Posted on by
Reply
Your face is now clean, my friend!

Your face is now clean, my friend!

Ok, my little friend, here’s how this works. You sit there and scratch my back, and while you’re scratching my back, I’ll clean the food off your face. This is symbiosis! This is teamwork!

Think of the opportunities when you are trapped in your high chair faced with the task of eating far too many string beans or peas or sweet potatoes, while I’m on the floor barely sated by the pittance these people give me in the way of nutrition. All you’ll have to do is push your food over the edge and my good friend gravity will take it from there.

It’ll be sweet! You’ll love it! We’ll practice this more later when you’re off formula. Formula gives me gas.

Abby Answers Fanmail #1

Posted on by
1
Holler at me! I'll holler back!

Holler at me! I might holler back!

“So, baby girl, you lookin’ chunky! What you weigh now?” — Yolanda LaTeesha

No you did not just ask me about my weight! This is the last time I’m going to answer this question, but for the record I’m 7pounds 10 ounces… 7 pounds 14 ounces when the tall ones are a little slow with my diaper change.

“Will your training combines ever be open to the public? We don’t have enough data to properly handicap your upcoming 5 meter crawl against Max ‘hand man’ Teter.” — Jim Kruger of Sports Book Unlimited

1. My practices will never be open again after the leaked photos that turned up in Little People Big Carpet.

2. All you need to know to handicap this exhibition is that Max “the snail trail” Teter has the same chance Michigan’s football team has of beating anyone better than Cape Cod Community College. I am Abigail “the antelope” Moore! I’m the Big Brown of baby racing; Max is the Shrek Donkey of baby racing. I don’t care if this race has been moved inside to a neutral carpeted site in Marblehead; I’m just as fast on an artificial track. If the “Belly Drag by the Bay” is 5 meters long, I will smoke that chump by at LEAST 4 meters. You can print that, sucker!

“You hit the bottle harder than Jack Kerouac did between novels. Have you ever considered that finding every one of your meals in a bottle might be the harbinger of a future drinking problem? I think you might need help, so call me when you want to get clean.” — Marc F. Kern, M.D.

Nice try, you quack! Next you’ll be telling me that too much binky use leads to heavier things… like thumbs. I’ll give up the bottle, Marc, when you give up your addictions to skinny models, infomercials, Botox, and Rogaine. And stop sending me chain emails!

“Hey, Abby, how’s the potty training coming?” — Dr. Spock Jr.

Bad news, Doctor. Magic Eight Ball diaper says, “crappy forecast.”

Thanks for all the mail, peeps! I’ll answer more as it comes in!

Crib Training

Posted on by
Reply
Face toward good or evil... the choice is hers!

Face a night of good or evil... the choice is hers!

As the black puffy pouches under Emily’s eyes will tell you, Abigail does not regularly sleep (or allow her parents to sleep!) very well between the hours of 11:00PM and 5:00AM.

We’ve tried a few strategies to encourage Abby to sleep at night. During the daylight hours, we make her do infant calisthenics, we regularly poke her with a sharp stick to keep her awake, and we coat her clothing with peanut butter to ensure that Hogan will constantly lick her if she tries to sneak some Z’s while we are distracted.

Unfortunately, none of these tactics has paid dividends, so we have had to take our game up a notch. We have begun “crib training” Abigail. Crib training is all about encouraging “wise choices” through classical conditioning.

As you can see from the picture of Abigail’s crib, we have a subdued, happy mobile on the “GOOD” side and a bizarre, angry mobile on the “EVIL” side. We begin the night by placing Abby with her head towards the sweet dream-enhancing critters of the “GOOD” mobile, but if Abigail refuses to sleep quietly, we turn her around to face the “EVIL” mobile. Remember… we are parents, not friends!

The “GOOD” mobile offers a pleasant parade of friendly critters who frolic counterclockwise to a lullaby softly plinked out by a wind-up powered music box. It’s a little slice of baby heaven!

good2

Good offers a yellow and purple elephant and a smiling giraffe!

The “EVIL” mobile features a large blue poison frog, a smiling (but stinging!) hornet, a miniature “monkey shines” haunted chimpanzee, a dangling poison sumac leaf, and a mechanized set of pincer leaves that close savagely like a half-starved Venus fly-trap at irregular, shocking intervals. This violent action is set to an instrumental soundtrack titled “Biting Insects of the Uncomfortably Humid Amazon.”

Did we mention this spins and closes like a venus fly trap?

Did we mention this spins and closes like a Venus fly-trap?

Eventually we may be able to remove the training aids, but when and if this happens is entirely up to Abby. We only hope we won’t be forced to use the evil clown mobile. The evil clown mobile offers excellent short-term silence, but its long-term psychological effects remain controversial.

Photo shoot fight…

Posted on by
Reply
It's regal, it's poised, it's Hogan!

It's regal, it's poised, it's Hogan!

Until very recently we’ve only had one model for all of our photo shoots, and his name is Hogan. Now that Abigail has arrived, Hogan has been grudgingly gracious when it comes to sharing camera time, but we were bound to have an incident eventually.

On Saturday, we took Hogan down to the little league field for a series of nude photos that we planned to submit to RRCUS for next year’s “Wild Ridges Rising!” Ridgeback calendar. He wasn’t thrilled about wearing only a thin nylon collar in the frigid temperatures and blowing snow of glacial Massachusetts, but after a bit of coaxing and leash tugging, he regained his professionalism and posed for the picture seen here.

He was quite pleased with the shot and figured the calendar shoot was a wrap, but since we were already on location we decided to take a few more shots.

Cut! Why are you two here!?

Cut! Cut! Cut! Why are you two here!?

Things turned suddenly ugly when Emily and Abigail casually strolled into a shot where Hogan was demonstrating his “action sit” between second and third base. You can see here that he is less than amused that Emily and Abigail have barged into a photo he felt had a legit chance to become the backdrop of either February or March of the RRCUS calendar.

Whether it was the early stages of frostbite on his tail or the final straw of once again sharing the stage with rival talent, Hogan lost his mind at this point, barked some unrepeatable comments at the cameraman, and then did what one should really refrain from doing to the person who feeds, houses, and walks you. It was not a proud moment for anyone involved.

We will not be submitting the resulting violent picture to RRCUS, although Hogan did argue later that it shows off his better side. We’re also now in the market for a good used camera!

Biting the hand that feeds!

Biting the hand that feeds!